Liveblogging Alec Baldwin and His Quest to Kidnap Your Daughter

Yes me too is fucking invisible. I exist solely in your imagination. But unlike Alec Baldwin, that same small letter motherfucking Bald-Wayne, whose devious plan I'm the first to uncover, I continue to exist to protect your daughters, sisters, and yes, your mothers too.. And one way to ensure their safety is to blog about anything that have something to do with securing their lives. As of this late, Alec Baldwin is the threat. No, he's not much of a threat.. Not like those usual threats, Alec is old. He is extremely very old that you cannot but allow him some special privileges reserved for older men. Yet again, the fact remains, he's a fucking threat to our women...

So with some detective skills, I went straight to Bad-Wayne's house and stole his diary.

Yes, I am very sorry. But it is good as done. Your daughter is mine!

Alec Baldwin's Diary

May 12, 2009

Dear Diary,

Just arrive home from Letterman's Show. Crap. Those people love me. I bet those from the Philippines are loving me now too, especially their daughters.

Fuck diary, I forgot something. You see, I promise my 13-year-old daughter a date this weekend. The thing is I'll have to disappoint her again. But one phone call will take care of that. You think?

But anyway, I'll be busy these coming days. My special mail-order will come soon from the Philippines. Now...wait...

FCOLZ! Okay, okay, let's not panic. Alright then, Alec is fucking very old, right? But fellow countrymen, for cripessakes, hide you 13-old-daughters. I mean your barely legal daughter. Also your mothers too.. It's our evil's fate that Alec Fatherfuck Baldwind is looking at us though old as he is.

The Rant of Salamander (or Whiled Peace Got Lawsuit Threat, OMZHSFG!)

Blogger’s note:

I consulted my editor (my self) and we agreed on the same opinion that some parts of this particular entry are drunk-talk and should be deleted.

I said to my self, hey self, you see, it’s all drunk-talk right?

Self said, undoubtedly, genius.

Gee, you really can talk. Thanks for saying that, I said to self. So what do you think, should we delete it?

Sensible idea.

-----

So with that, here’s the new version minus the drunk-talk.

[Originally written as indicated above the title and revised this 14th day of March.]


WTF! I forgot I have a blog, on its way to awesomeness perhaps, for some days at least. You see I was busy beating this and that deadline, some interviews, consuming book quota, Marlboros, brandy in my room, and all that sort of things. Keep me quite occupied.

And now what have we here!? Seems like fragments of my biography is now being written in progress by somebody in utmost hatred and storming details to boot complete with sexual perversions, threatening lawsuits, whatnots, and, ummm, physical abuse, ehh!? You can’t mean that, right, cause it’s porn, right? Oh, c’mon!

But the good thing is, you had something steam out. Well, I think and believe that must be a good thing. Quite good thing but not really.

Salamander rant on pride and insecurity as incriminated by a commentor:

Tell you straight: there’s always that element of pride as well as insecurity in all of us making this so-called great civilization of ours possible. I am both proud and insecure, so what? You know history? Now try to imagine our great Filipino heroes like Rizal and Ninoy minus the said pride and insecurity, or Dennis Trillio (you are crazy with Dennis Trillo, right?), or Jesus himself? You get the picture? Or else, you just made me suspect you are from Mars or your teachers have taught you everything but rubbish all these years, or you are an entity from the I, Robot.

More ranting:

Now let me quote you:

What do you think I should react after reading that blog? Don’t you think ill congratulate you for that hormonal imbalance you have?

Well, this is fucking sexual perversion to the nth level. And I am totally freaked out. Of course, we had not yet technically broke up when I had that said “hormonal imbalance” and I was no longer in my best of mood to have them all wasted inside you. You understand?

Still ranting:

Though it would take a whole course of linguistics to comprehend what you really mean in the later part of your comment, but anyway, I already developed a sixth sense to understand what you want to say.. So by deducing from your arguments, I come to this conclusion that you still found yourself wanting. So here’s the thing: I’ll give you more then but it would of course take me some dozen bottles of booze to allow myself to do that.

Now speaking of booze let me slug for you a couple shots of this brandy. Wait...
Now that’s better. Where was I?

Ah, yes, on that something on your wanting more. Well why not till I have my 30-day-drunk routine and that would be the best time you can have your heart’s desire even the half of my fwucking kingdowm. Or the head of John Rambo on a silver platter. Shit, that comes off bit biblical. Now where was I really... I neeed my fffpuwking paracetamol...

As I said, we’d been for 7 years together Lynmunchkins and for cripessakes I am too lazy to keep track of things or at least a list of things you’d blowed out on me and things I’d blowed out for you, time and all.

That said, let’s just put it this way (slow and easy and a bit whirly): in a relationship you invest something that we all called ‘a present’ or ‘a gift’. It is an act of goodwill that something which naturally flows out from us because we love the person, or supposedly love the person, without expecting anything. That is why we all called it a present or gift – freely given, right? And the one who did just that is the much better, divine person for doing such sublime thing.

However, if you say something to the contrary you are simply betraying, poisoning, corrupting its pure meaning, making your supposedly act of goodwill an act of fakery-phony-shallow-empty-gesture act of goodwill, and you just made babyjesus cry. Jesus might have liked to drink with me right now in my room. So here's a shot to sad Jesus.

NOW SpWeaking of an aCTt of gooOOOWIILll, let Me FEWVOOR yUO WIth anOWHTHER 7 quiWK SlugsZZ from this BUTTottle – a GAWd prosubstitute for dawwwt fouwwwnnt of wissssdom, ewwwpiffffhany, Jjjoooooy, shhhhittttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAZ DA FUWCK MY HANDZ IZ DRUNK IT NOT WANT TO BEZ SEPARATED FROOM HEZ GLAASSS IT HIZS GLAAASS AND TEZ WONT LET GOO FRROM EACHH OWTHER..HEY HANDS LETS RAYT SOME MOOR RANTING OKEY??

WAT DA FUCK MAY HANZ IZ SOOO FWUCKING DRINKZ!


_____________


[BWTF! Again? My hands won’t allow the revision but only on some parts they so hate with a passion. Then so be it.]

Whirled Peace Got Hate Mails

I've been receiving hate mails lately. Normally I'd just ignored them unread. There are times when I've nothing else to do and I'd humor myself reading some accumulated messages from both friends and enemies that interest me. I sent some responses to some hate mails, making fun of their grammar or something and called them gay, which would eventually induced some more hate mails. They must have care too much about me and I am simply touched by their thoughtfulness.

Just this morning, with my head still groggy from last night's too much gin at our boss' condo, I opened my email and found some of those hate mails in my inbox.

Here's one line that simply knocks me off laughing, I almost fall from my chair.

"Just to keep you posted mister...you still shit this year and you will continue shitting the whole year round... and you deserve all malshitness!"

If the mailer's not flip or something and we interpret his/her words in the normal context as we normally understand them, I have nothing to worry about because as you all know, dear readers, I shit everyday. But I don't know what “malshitness” is and I shudder.



So, well, glad for the little comedy the mailer provides me, I did the letter sender some favor and composed this response below.

Well, here's some dimes worth to keep you posted too.

First off, it's naturally not my wont to give a damn shit to things of the past, especially the past that cannot help us become a better person at present. The world's been shitty even when Moses & Jesus were still not around and even when they're long dead, if you know what I mean. But I respect what I learned from them though. Or as I said here. So, you see, things still smell of shit. But the point is: if only you could be one of those people to tried to help make this world less shitty. Even this could be a whole waste of shit to me, or to you too. However, I don't mind wasting some shit minutes writing this to you.

Lastly, as you may have known, I am starting over, living my life the way I always want it. Which could also mean, that whatever may become of my life, I don't give a shit for anyone's opinion for I have my own and it says: Damn you people there's lots to life that still interest me! Simply put, life's been a little boring with me right now. So thanks for providing me some little comedy today.

How I Fail To Lose The Demon

We deal with demons everyday, right? Could be your neighbor's dogs, or phallic symbols, or the said neighbor. In my case, a demon that doesn't just go away is my ex-girlfriend. In fact, I'm writing this so that when she reads the post she'll weep like hell and I'll have my fucking sweet revenge. That bitch.

I followed the advice of my sister to bring her in some romantic places like pier 9 perhaps and push her to the sea when no one is looking. Only there's no pier 9 in Cebu and I hate my sister anyway for saying that. I turned to other alternatives like those imaginable sound bullshits I read in literature. I tell you, this is my first time to meet such a demon in my quarter lifespan of fucking living – whichever comes first. I thought it would only happen to other people.

But bless me. Since then I've been praying like the devil himself for some miracles to happen, something like the exorcist kind of crap and let her do her evil whims to other sonofbitches but me. [Umm, well, if you're interested, you can send me some lines of interest anytime and I'll plot things with you. And no room for errors I tell yah. She can be the devil you want to spice up your life with.] Promise I did all I can including some advices from those fuckers who wrote in their blogs on this matter, or in my desperation, I even resorted to do the classical thing like abusing her all day, make her buy me tickets for movies and marshmallows, choke her a couple of times, and banging her at some other nights. I told you she is such a demon. And she seems determined to remain so and stay as demon as she can be.

I am a believer. I put no faith to any non-sense and corded all my religious convictions only to what is awesome and other efficient crapshits. So, the issue is not of faith for miracles to happen and put an end to my suffering. It's about doing my part of pure-manly work and perseverance in trudging on everyday. One day soon then bitch.

How about you? Tell me about your demons.