Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My Open Post Break Up Letter To Lily Gaga

Dear Lily Gaga,

Yeah, right, we had it hard. I had it so hard myself I almost knocked off that guy you dispatched to fetch your things from my place. He was bigger than me, I know, but I imagined knocking him off with one of the empty bottles in my room. And, umm, well, you are right too. I handled it too badly. And I think I am sorry. Now allow me to explain.

I am aware some people got envy when they saw us together. And we simply look great on Friendster. But by judging us together by appearances and the number of envious emails from your Friendster friends are enough reasons to stay in a relationship, right? Wrong. You see, a relationship is more than just that. There is also called chemistry, not your usual high-school chemistry stuff, which you once got crazy about.

Yet believe me, Ly-darling you, writing this letter is far easier than rescuing our dying relationship. I gave it a chance, tried to make things work, and even followed my mother’s good counsel to just love you. That I can’t find someone like you: so wonderful and, as she once said, almost perfect. Well, I tried, honestly tried, and yet failed, utterly failed. I must have missed something and got no idea what, or why.

Like during Sinulog, you became quite jumpy and not yourself when some television celebrities passed our way. One celebrity was throwing kisses to the crowd-mostly-howling-girls-yet-to-get-laid. I was busy fixing the gin and lime drinks and being careful not to get them spilled. When I looked up I saw you catching those thrown kisses like the other girls and swallowing them like chorizo balls, strings and all. That is, in front of me and few other unimpressed men in the crowd. I did not see the point of it, or pretend not to see the point and I was embarrassed. I know and understand what blood can do to jumpy-little-girls when they saw Dingdong or other actor passing by and blowing kisses, and them girls passing out. Well, it might have been required, a commonplace spectacle, or something in this third world country we called the Philippines. I am not sure and I don’t really care anyway. But I almost puked when that continued for some minutes and laughed some gin-aided later. It was a very hot afternoon and I was drinking my gin on that huge elevated platform especially made for the government people. I wonder how much it cost for only a day use while I saw lots of poor people below us evidently suffering from hunger and thirst. But let’s get back to this love-lost letter for you.

Now please know that I never hate you or anything. You are a great woman and you have equally great attributes. But another man who has similar greatness and attributes like you possess would simply have clicked with you. I am not that man.

Of course, you are very sweet and know it, and quite anxious to show that off especially when there are other girls around. There’s nothing wrong with that really and it amused me when you are like that. But I need a girl with more than just mere sweetness. I need someone who knows when to apply, or break, the imaginary rule of propriety, or impropriety, and can hold her own when we are mingling with other people.

Finally, allow me now to just tell you that there is no other woman as you may have now assumed. I just imagine it would have been much easier if there is one. Sadly, I haven’t found anyone yet better than you. I mean, you cook well, you are thoughtful, you are a good Friendster hacker and, as far as I know, you have no bad intention of ever owning their private profiles, so long as those people at Friendster don’t pissed you off as you once warned me. But darling, is that the best we could come up with after having been together, for what, 7 years? Not to count that year when I was too busy with studies and you were dating with some other guys you met somewhere.

Well, I’m sorry, Lynnimickens, like the others too, this blogger also still believes in a little something called Love.

As usual, I am not too sure now. Maybe it’s just me, preferring a bottle and fighting my own demons in my room than having your company and fighting your own demons as well as mine. Or it can be that I am not too disposed to love. That could be true too. Yet I believe there’s some hope that the right one for me will come my way someday. I am that hopeless romantic and I am miserably cursed.

Bid you now fair winds Dear-Ly-Gagafinesse. I’ll think well of you from now on.

Love lots and lost,


P.S. Please be kind to tell that guy to stop texting me, I am not interested. And besides, I’ve enough stalkers already and going through the process of issuing him, and the others, a restraining order is not fun. Hope you understand. Thanks a lot.


  1. "...this blogger also still believes in a little something called Love."

    who would've thought?


    'twas kind of you to write something for her

    was is it more for you???


    PS: cant wait to hear "lyn's" response. or would she even bother? oh well.

    *good times*

  2. I am susceptible to smart women too..LOL..

  3. Right. This letter comes out like a some sort of a favor or tribute for her. Unfortunately it's written in a strange language she can't simply understand. If I wrote this in Greek or Hebrew, her cognition would have still be the same. It's no use. Now I rest the case.

    And, of course, she's reading this. Hey, Ma-Lyn-Godaphone, I wish we're now square out. See I wrote you a letter. Now let's let each other be.

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  6. whoa.
    her side of the story
    sure did say a lot of things.
    things that are or are not true
    (i really dont know)

    you two are better off.

  7. Seems like this blog is screaming for oozing effectiveness and fucking success. A sequel then is on the line. Keep posted till we get tired of this and see what more fun, or bereft of it, we can get...

  8. The author of this blog has decided after much careful consideration to erase some comments above on the ground of “grammatically libellous content and denigration of the universal language.”

    To the author of the said comment, please know that your side is now heard and your point is perfectly well-taken. The author of this blog had honoured you an indulgent 87 hours of spotlight. He is hoping that you are now satisfied. Now go bother other people in the Webz.

  9. hey... want some piece of the girls side? i have one.

    Hey Mr. Jonas,
    are you a real man?? u're not suppose to do this to your eX-girlfriend.this is so immature. i have read you blog "Of Lost Art of Courtship & Conquest" and u're so proud to tell everyone of lulling women into your arms. You started at 11 and your making it a good career until 25 so i think at the age of 26 you are now mature enough not to tell everyone about you're eX's break-up. Please give her some respect.

  10. a slucker trying to prove to be worthy
    still remained as always a nothing.

    try not to be mean with gf's
    i was once your gf and i did not shout to the world that i did not enjoy everybit of your sweetness and those intelligency your trying to empose which is a low grader..

    try to be a man mr. or shall i say my boss?

  11. Hi Jonas,

    I just read this break up letter of yours, well just in my own point of interest although i don't know your x-gf i would strongly say that this is an immature type of act. A real man should never post anything mean words about his ex-girlfriend in public.... No offense bro, but based on my assessment you have problems inside, psychologically you are disturbed or in a crises situation. You have insecurities within that you could not accept.What you did now is a form of defense mechanism, trying to protect yourself.... Leave no scar to your girlfriend bro,think of your mom and your sister maybe its time for you to reconcile and make friends with your x-gf.


  12. Hello Josh,

    Sorry for not being able to reply to your comment after a very long time. Aside from losing the interest of this post, I've been quite busy tying to earn a living writing for my Internet clients. So that's that. Now to your comment: just rest assured that I completely understand your point above, and if it appeases you to know that I now vehemently disagree against my decision for publishing it here. On the bright side, writing that letter and publishing it here also has tremendous help in addressing that what you phrased as "psychologically you are disturbed or in a crises situation" kind of diagnosis. But so far the decision I took seems to be the best one for 'us' both, and time has apparently done her share of making things easy for us now. Yet again, as the Good Book would put it: "Quod scripsi scripsi". Thanks lots for visiting these parts.



  13. thanks for this post..anyway.,i never really love you..

  14. Good to know. Consider me hugely consoled darlin'.

  15. Im glad 7 years lang ang nasayang.hehehe.mayrasab na tabo n oi ky as i picture myself before laina oi..d way u dscrbe 8..hahahaha.nganu n abot paman tog 7years.tsk.tsk.sayu ta ni nimu gbuhat para wala muabot ug 7years..sayanga sa nganu gpa abot pag 7years nga months lang ta pwd nta to magbuwag sa maayung buot.hehehehehe.

  16. yes.seriously.reality doubt about that, churvanes,