Yet why the heck I occupy myself with this? Is it that I am sort of adoring-sick again, my raging hormone-related sickness, or just totally freaked-out and lonely?
I told myself I am doing okay and I can make it alone. Why not? It was only some weeks ago that I live in with a woman? We were together for many months and yet still my heart long for some place alone. And now that I am alone, my mind starts to wander around, eyeing some sexy-clad women in malls and streets wishing to speak with them and lulled them to some excitement somewhere. Why that’s plain unfair, and pervert, and I don’t really like it. Sometimes.
Or it could be that I am longing for something more. Something that is sublime and great that could make me get up in the morning with a gaiety heart. That something, they said, to live with and die for.
It was just but an hour ago when a friend asked me why all of a sudden I stop to write for this dotcom company. I told her I don’t know and I seem to have lost it too – the interest of writing. And for cripessake, it is how I am earning my living for quite some time now. And it affected my friend too because she too is earning something through me. You see I gave her half of my writing assignments. If my productivity goes well, my assignments will go well too as the editor will give me more to write. Consequently, I got no projects for the whole week. The editor understands it as not a good idea to give me some assignments this time, with the deadline at the end of the month and I appear to be consistent not to care about deadlines. And with my performance last week provides her enough reason not to give me anything. I think my friend will understand. I hope so. I am in such a tight hole and I am struggling to get out. So this friend told me, maybe I need inspiration. I know what she meant by that and replied what for in a jest. Then I remember George...
Back to what I said about courtship and conquest, I lost it. Since when, I don’t know but it could be sometime after I turned 25. Maybe I need again to practice or something and gain some confidence along it, or get worse by doing so. But I think I don’t really want it. If I really need this woman, there will be ways to have her. If she wants me, it will be bliss. If not, well, there will be additional reasons to be more miserable. As you may know I meet this woman and she is beautiful as she is smart, simply beautiful, those lovely eyes, the face of an angel, and her voice so sweet and engaging I want to listen to it night and day. She was an acquaintance in my previous job some months back. We had some good times together with other officemates and I really like her the first time I saw her when she first set foot on the building. Although I did fancy her a lot, I could die for her, I did not make any attempts to seriously court her. There were obstacles besides from the fact that she is engaged to someone as I was with someone too that time. So I just sort of be satisfied to see her around in the office and went out together with the other officemates. So that was that till I finally resigned my job and hopped in to another one in yet another location and company.
I lost contact with her for months till today. She still looks great and I find my heart still aches for her that made me a bit incomprehensible in my speech. I just finished reading a Saul Bellow book when she appeared from somewhere. She asked me what I am doing in Ayala and told her my room is too hot I need to stay in the mall. She said hers too and she’s waiting for someone for lunch. It was only around 11am. I asked her for coffee and got a little lucky to still have some money left in my pocket to buy a cappuccino at Bo’s. I just resigned yet again from my job which brings me to this present bumming-writing stint. She asked me why and replied why what. Why I resigned from my job and told her the only sure answer I got: I don’t know. And I am in the process of figuring out something for my life to fit in and that job is not it. Besides I have this work. I do freelance writing which I seem to be not doing so well too. She said okay and told me she arrived last Monday from Leyte and now she is waiting for a friend. At the back of my head, I was hoping that she's waiting for a female or gay friend. Please Lord, make it gay, my heart also prayed.
We had quite a talk though I am not too good at it. But we talked about general topics about how was this and that friend now, about landing a job somewhere, chatted with some friends online, exchanged cellphone numbers and decided on a date this Friday with some of our common friends. She finally needed to go and I wish her well. I stayed for a while, cursed my goofy manners, and have myself go to my room to finally write something.
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